Pet Humor

From Justin

Q: What time do ducks get up?

A: At the quack of dawn!

From Mark in Des Plaines

Q: Why don't blind people sky dive?

A: It scares the heck out of their dogs.

From Frank in Lombard

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."

From Arthur in Villa Park

A slug in the forest had spent all day gathering berries and was making his way home when he was mugged by a gang of snails. They knocked him down, knocked him out and made off with all his berries. A while later he was found and aided by a very concerned monkey who asked him what had happened. The monkey told him he should go to the police, that if he gave them a good description of the culprits the chances were good that the thugs would be caught and punished. Unfortunately, the slug revealed, "I'm afraid I never saw them; it all happened so fast."

What's the difference between a contractor and a puppy?

The puppy will stop whining after about six weeks.

(Steve adds, you can fill in the profession of your choice here, like lawyers, politicians, radio hosts - the joke still works)

From Harvey in Willowbrook

A magician worked on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, she started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. After swimming for a few hours, the magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared malevolently at each other but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another, and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could restrain itself no longer: "OK," she said, "I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"

Flying turtle joke from Darlene in Framingham, MA

A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes with a hard thud into the ground.

After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, and again crashes to the ground. The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a couple of blue jays perched on a nearby branch.

Finally, the female bird says to the male bird, "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy he is adopted."

Also from Darlene

A young woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit clearly does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, embarrassed. But Fluffy only squats in the middle of the room and does its business.

The rabbit then starts a fight with someone's cat pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the customers in the waiting room and says, "Pardon me...but I just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

PET PUNS and more from Patricia A. Graczyk, Ph.D. University of Illinois at Chicago

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrionallowed
per passenger".

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

9. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But tey are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

10. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the Competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Karen, that stand-up of dog joke comics, adds this one:

There is a city in Alaska that just passed a law against dogs. They want to be known better as Dogless Fairbanks.

And now, some dog riddles....

Q: What do you call a great dog detective?
A: Sherlock Bones

Q: Where should you never take a dog?
A: To a flea market

Q: What type of art does a dog like to practice on glass?
A: Nose printing.

Q: Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
A: Because he kept seeing spots.

Q: How does a dog stop a VCR?
A: He presses the "paws" button.

Mary in Geneva...the story of the Dog, the Bird and the Repairman.

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

This is from Natalie in Edgewater (in the city)...

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one the fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

The venerable Karen in Chicago sends another pet joke...

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.' The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'Why not,' so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?

This is from Cindy in Rolling Meadows...not quite a joke - but cute.

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Here's a joke from little Rachel in Wheeling:

What's Donald Duck's favorite TV show?

A duckumentary.

Some long distance pet humor from Marylou, in New York City:

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to an age old question...

"Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and his tail wagged.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed shown them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

Pet Central jokester Karen's Oh Doc snake joke

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. The doctor replies, "what's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

From Dorothy in Westchester...

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Here's a weak pet joke, from Sylvia in Westchester...

Q. What kind of work does a weak cat do?

A. Light mousework.

Here's one from Kathy. (The dog only has a cameo):

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave; they're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Karen again - this time, Creation - and the Dog:

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Karen dug up these canine proverbs for us...enjoy -

Here's some long distance pet humor from Darlene in Framingham, MA

Signs:

A sign in a lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for customers Only, others will be neutered."

From Lori in Buffalo Grove:

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he will make me answer the phone as well!"

Not quite a joke, but this will make any dog owner smile - it was sent in by Northern Illinois Samoyed Rescue Assistance, Inc.

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down."
--Robert Benchley

From Samantha in Vernon Hills�

What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede ?

A walkie talkie !

SMART DOG ~~~~~~~~~

Three men are in a coffee shop bragging about their dogs. Each claims to have the world's smartest dog. The first man says, "MY dog is so smart, every morning I give him two dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me the Herald. He knows it's the only paper I'll ever read. He comes back with the correct change. Now that's a smart dog."

The second man says, "That's nothing. Every morning I give MY dog ten dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me a pack of Doublemint Gum. He knows it's the only brand I'll chew. He comes back with correct change. Now that's a smart dog."

The third man says "That's nothing. You know the corner shop where your dogs buy that stuff? Well, MY dog runs the place!"

Super Dog Diplomacy from our ever reliable pet jokester, Karen in Rogers Park.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

From Donna in Elmhurst:

What do cats call mice on skateboards?

"Meals on Wheels."

This one's from an unidentified listener - and if I wrote this joke - I wouldn't admit it either.

What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?

A box of quackers.

From Karen in Chicago, one of my best pet joke contributors:

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless.

Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went. Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"

Here's a fish pet joke from Jay in Mokena.

Why do fish avoid the computer?

So they don't get caught in the Internet.

Jamie and Mallory in Buffalo Grove sent these jokes by kids in. They're a sample of the jokes found in Kids Are Punny: Jokes Sent by Kids to the Rosie O'Donnell Show and Kids are Punny 2: More Jokes Sent by Kids to the Rosie O'Donnell Show, published by Warner Books.

How does a dog stop a VCR?
He presses the 'paws' button.

What is more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.

What do you get when you cross a dog with a hen?
Pooched eggs

What's Lassie favorite vegetable?
Collie-flower?

What did the dog say when he stepped on sandpaper?
Rough rough

Where should you never take a dog?
To the flea market.

Why did the man bring his dog to the railroad station?
To train him.

What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog

What does an invisible cat drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you call a cat that falls into trash can?
Kitty litter

What do you call 100 rabbits jumping backward?
A receding hairline.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little horse.

What happened to the mouse that fell off the shelf into a glass of Mountain Dew?
Nothing - it was a soft drink.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walky talky.

Where's the best place to see a man eating fish?
A seafood restaurant

Why do fish have such huge phone bills?
When they get on the line they can't get off.

Why is it so easy to weigh a fish?
He comes with scales.

Why are fish so smart?
They' swim in schools.

What do get when you stack toads together?
A toadem pole.

Here's a froggy joke, from listener Karen

"A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No, not so great" said the psychic, "You'll meet her in biology class."

This is from Dave in Elk Grove Village...guess it depend on your idea of a pet...

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6-foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6-foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

Here's a joke from Jake in Vernon Hills:

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."

This pet joke is from Lori in Buffalo Grove...

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Hope you enjoy this - I'm not sure if I did -

Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me, too," said the second.
"Let's fly down and find some lunch.," the first Robin responded.

Together, they flew down to and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K.,"said the first.
So they plopped down basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I just love baskin' robins."

From Karen in Chicago...

Why can't dogs use computers?

They're distracted by cats chasing the mouse.

From Liz in Sheboygan, WI

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

From Raymond in Berwyn...

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!"

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days. Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

From Darlene in Framingham, MA...

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Here's a little ditty from a listener:

It's A Dog's Life

This is from Chris in Sherrard, IL.

This beautiful German Shepherd is sitting on his balcony on the 4th floor, when this wonderful Boxer trots along. The Boxer spots the German Shepherd, and asks him if he would like to come down to play.

The German Shepherd responds: "No, I'm sorry, I have to guard the house for my humans. They went away for a couple of hours, and I promised to stay here".

"Ah, come on, don't be silly, they will never notice!" says the Boxer.

"No, really, I can't", says the German Shepherd, "Besides, the door is locked, I can't get through the door!"

"Why don't you jump off the balcony then?" asks the Boxer.

Says the German Shepherd: "Yeah sure, and end up with a face like yours!"

It's not my favorite pet joke, but apparently Jack in Schaumburg thinks this is funny...

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

Here's a new one from Lori in Buffalo Grove, a frequent joke contributor:

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Here's are two pet jokes from 9-year-old Morrie in Buffalo Grove...

What do wolves say when they're introduced to someone?
Howl do you do?

What do you call a joking duck?
A wise-quacker!

This is not quite a pet joke...more of an observation, from Sue:

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Here's a story e-mailed in by "msred:"

My wife and I enrolled Molly, our lovable but dumb cocker spaniel, in a ten-week obedience class. At the end of the term Molly had made little progress.

We re-enrolled her, but at the end of the second course Molly was still
noticeably behind her canine classmates. The instructor, perhaps determined to succeed with our dog, offered to let her repeat the course for the third time at no charge.

That evening I heard my wife on the phone with her mother. "Guess what?" Marcie said. "Molly was the only dog in her class to get a scholarship!"

This is from Seth in Naperville:

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

Karen in Chicago sends this joke:

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square" do your stuff!" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But, the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive. The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

This isn't quite joke - but it's a cute story from Quin...

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. �Can my friend come in, too?" the traveler asked gesturing to his dog. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree, reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump," he said. They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold streets and pearly gates? Nope! That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind".

From Jean�

Ed was a successful computer programmer and a happy family man. His life was blessed with a loving wife, 2 kids, three cats and a dog.

Ed loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his son, Little Johnny, began asking to go along on Rusty's evening walks.

Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his father, "Daddy, why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take him for his walk?"

Well, Ed wasn't sure how he should answer his son. How DOES one explain the way animals mark their territory to a 6-year-old? Stalling for time Ed asked: "What do you think he's doing Johnny?"

Little Johnny frowned but then he excitedly said, "I know! I Know! ... He's checking his P-Mail!"

This pet joke is from Marge in Glenview:

Guy goes into the hospital for prostate surgery. He feels okay after surgery, but not well enough to really go home. But his doctor gives says, “You have no choice, go home.”

The next week his dog goes to the vet office and has the same exact surgery. After the operation, the vet says, “Your dog is doing great. But we’ll keep him for a few days for observation.”

The guy calls his doctor back and asks, ‘Why does my dog get to stay for several days to recover, and I had go home the same day - we had the same surgery - and, he’s a dog!

The doctor answer, “That’s right - dogs don’t have HMO’s.”

Here are two jokes from Jean in Des Plaines:

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bob wow wow. Bow wow wow."

The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

---

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

Now, a joke from Jeff in Buffalo Grove:

An older woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three wishes," proclaimed the Genie. The woman thought for a moment and said, "I wish I was the most beautiful twenty year old woman in the world. I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in large bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-player's tush.

She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes, and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

This lawyer joke starring a dog is from listener Karen:

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98," said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

Here are a few jokes from Bob in Skokie...

What did the pony say when it coughed?
Excuse me, I’m a little horse…

What happens when you cross a parrot and a tiger?
It talks very little but when it says something - run like crazy.

Did you know insects cry?
It’s the truth: Haven’t you ever seen a moth ball.

A bored cat and interested cat were watching a tennis match.
You seem very interested in tennis said the bored cat.
It’s not that said the interested cat, my old man is in the racquet.

Lori from Buffalo Grove (one of our most frequent contributors) submits the following:

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens... On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked... "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom..."

From Judy in Naperville�

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"

Lori from Buffalo Grove submits the following jokes:

Q: What do you call a frog's favorite drink?
A: Croakacola.

Q: Why do fish swim in saltwater?
A: Pepper makes them sneeze.

(Steve Dale adds: "Keep in mind - I don't write the jokes. Don't blame me.")

Here's a story from a listener named Stan:

One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, instead of biscuits, this pup craved watermelon and only watermelon that�s all the dog would eat. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She sang,......... "Come to me, my melon collie baby."

From Lori in Buffalo Grove�

A school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in thefront seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian.

The children wanted to figured out what the dog's job is...

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog to find the fire hydrant."

Bob from Skokie contributes this�

So, a duck walks into a bar. Bartender says, �What do want?�

Duck says, �Give me a beer.�

Bartender says, �How will you pay for this.�

�Just put it on my bill.�

Here's a joke from two sources: Robin in Chicago and Cathy, also in Chicago:

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail and looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers,"$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Here's a pet joke from a listener named Karen:

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF."

The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not
paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk. The dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"

Russ in Chicago submits this thought, from the pages of New Yorker magazine:

While thinking out of the box may be creative for some, cats should never think out of the box.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at that manager very calmly and said, "Meow."